Thomas vs. The Man

I am in a full fledged war with the man. I am seriously going to knock my own head off just so I can beat him to the punch. Wedge was fun. Your mom. Weekend was nice. Your mom. I love talking to people. Your mom. Inbetween the sheets. Any of this working for anyone?
I am so beat down from the inanimate objects that make up my "cubicle" I can't think of one funny thing to say. Man boobs. Those are funny. What if a woman had man boobs? Is that a put down? Can it be a put down? I'm making it one.

I'm also making this a put down "You're so fat you sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out."

That is a picture of Sean and I at wedge. We had a gay photoshoot, but we were paid a lot for it. Sean rips. Come to think of it, everyone rips in their own way, just some are more fun to talk to about it while others just get annoying.

I love life. I hate work.

VanMelum

Haven't Seen Her Around Burger World Lately?

Please help my cousin Hanna, she is suffering from an epidemic in America today, she eats too much (and it's all gone to her face). She has recently started her new college experience...you've heard of freshman 15...shaw...in her face!!! So if any of you boys or girls (she's desperate) out there are interested in her leave a comment with your email address and I'll make sure it gets to her. Please don't send chocolates in heart shaped boxes, lord knows she doesn't need any more of those.

That shirt she is wearing actually said "love food" but I photoshopped the "food" out of it in an attempt to make her more appealling. Onward and upward.

It's time for...

If I were Incharge of this Salmonella Egg Thing...

If I were to put out a press release it would go like this:

Sticks and stones can actually break peoples' bones, but bad eggs will just make your ass burn.

Noticing a trend here? Ok...I will do a better one to the tune of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All":

♪I believe that children are our future. Teach them well. Don't let them eat the eggs!!!♪

Make sure your get the phrasing and singing right or that last line isn't going to be that funny. Came home a couple nights ago and caught this homeless bum trying to steal Oswald. -->. Then I took him to dinner at El Matador in Costa Mesa, go there. I wanted to invite my cousin Hanna (mentioned earlier) but she would have put them out of business.

Idea Section:
I'm going to open up a restaurant in the vein of TGIF's for nyctophobiacs called: Thank God It's Day. If you don't know what nyctophobia is just click on the word; I linked the definition to it.

That's it. Wedge all weekend bitches. Come join us.

Bloggesborg

Well, I must admit we are those trendy wanna-be's that tries to visit all the new HOT SPOTS, and we went to one last night: True Foods. Check it out, it's healthy, tastes good, and there are prostitutes there - weird mix I know, but it works. Not only was the service amazing (wink wink, service, get it?) but I just felt hip being there. Be honest, deep down inside we all just want to be hip. Do people still use the word hip? Maybe I felt jive, or righteous, or boss. Nevertheless, I felt good.

I've included a lot of pictures in the post because I figure they are more fun than reading my writing. Plus, a picture's worth a 1000 words, so I am essentially streamlining Team Blacksheep...downsizing...in this economy...hard times...you've heard all the buzz phrases. 

Speaking of the phrase "In this economy...", let's Jerry Seinfeld this one (What is UP with THAT?!? in the Seinfeld voice). That's called Seinfelding it for all you jive-talkers reading this. Where are the boundaries to this phrase? I'll let you guys answer that one, because that's like asking "Does the pope shit in the woods?" It's a no brainer. So, does he? If you can't answer correctly you're retarded. There, now I feel better because I put someone else down.

 You ever read those "15 Ways To Save Money This Summer" type of articles? What the fuck? Those things are so dumb, they are really dumb, for real. And because I'm dumb, I'm going to do my own.

3 Ways to Save Money This Summer
1. Steal from the rich: More than likely they don't even need what you're stealing anyway, and they probably won't notice it is gone. Plus, if you use some of the money for good they will eventually make a cartoon about you where a fox plays you and a huge bear plays your sidekick, then Russell Crow will make a shitty remake of your life. Then the person you stole from will see the movie, love it, and tell their friends to see it because rich people love that stuff. Win win win.
2. Prostitute Your Child
Kids, it's time to make your way in this world, get to work. Kids are great salesmen, probably the best salesmen, so put them to work. They can sell shitty lemonade for a $1.00 to people who don't even want it, amazing. If you don't have kids, see rule #1.
3. Don't Do Reasonable Things
Don't shower, shave, drive, eat, go out, have sex, poop, have sex, eat, poop again, or anything related to these things. If there is one sure fire way to save money, it's by not doing anything. Mooch. Every friend has one. Be that friend. You won't have any friends, but you and scrooge mcduck will have something to talk about. A pool full of gold coins.

This post was way too long.

VanMelum

Time...it's on my wall...and in my pocket

Anybody else see this crazy cloud arrangement yesterday? Not a cloud in the sky and then these things appear making me feel like: ♪You dropped a bomb on me♪ (Yes I went there with the crazy Gap Band reference)! I would like to tip my hat to microsoft for making such a powerful program (Microsoft Paint) free, so I can clearly illustrate the part of the picture I wanted to focus on so easily.

Alright, today I am only going to stick with new, up to the minute news. Has anybody heard of this Lorena Bobbitt incident?

All joking aside, it was a sad day for me when I read that Dr. Laura is leaving radio for throwing racial slurs at people like panties at a rock band. Click that last sentence to check out the article over at the Los Angeles Times. Now we are going to try a new segment here at Team Blacksheep called:


If I were Dr. Laura...

If I were Dr. Laura I would put out a press release as follows:

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can end my talk radio show.

I think that it might be funny if I occassionally look up noteworthy current events and explain what I would have said instead of their boring generic response. This will not only be funnier, smarter, and better looking, but it also will give other people a chance to chime in with their ideas.

What would you have said if you were Dr. Laura?

Bottle Service Schmottle Service!

Yup, that's how I roll. Do me a favor...go to your mirror right now, put something in front of your crotch, take a picture, and see if it is funny or not. Nine times out of ten it is hysterical. This is what I like to call "Default Humor." It will always be funny. Other things that fall in this category are:

1. Man gets hit in balls
2. Old person trips and falls
3. Person gets pie in face
4. Britney Spears

Idea Section
A brothel called: Nailed it
A male gang made up of Oompa Loompas called "Cheetos", female gang "Cheetas"

That's all I have for today. I liked this though...I am going to come up with more.

TM in the PM

So, the most difficult part of my weekend was deciding which photo to put up. Probably the most jam packed weekend ever! And I mean it...anybody have a peanut? Kourtney and Daaaaaaveeeeyyyyy came down for a Cranium bash, I went up for an AY bash, and Meagan and I went down for a Del Mar bash, one only kid one only kid.

This photo is of the bus we took to Del Mar for the horse races with the lovely Kouple Kyle and Katie (KKK for short). Notice the drug money.

If you ever want a cool party bus check it out:

http://www.bigwoodytours.com/

AY's bachelor party was amazing. Stayed at the W Hotel in LA and finished the night off at The Playhouse. I've got a video or two of the horrible dancing exhibition we put on that I will try to put up later.

Can you pick out which two of these people are models and which one isn't? Tell me your guesses. I think you'll be surprised with the answer.

Graveyard Shift

Just interviewed for a vampire type of lifestyle. Did you get that? Might take a job at the company I want to work at working from 11pm - 7am and no that is not a typo. Here is a picture I took with the cool Hipstamatic phone app.

I have to be honest, I must be a hipster because so far I love that app! Shhhh...don't tell anyone. I'm going to do a shameless plug for www.defaziomodernhome.com. They are located in fountain valley, have great modern design furniture, and have very reasonable prices. I am saying this because I search all over the place for stores like this in Orange County and they are extremely hard to come by.

That's it for today.

VanMelum

Wasted Hours?!?

Torture chamber to some, pleasure zone for others. I personally subscribe to the former.

But if I had a ladder, I would crawl across to the latter and punch the former in the blatter, even though it helps us from getting fatter, and scream "Batter up" as I splatter it's fatter matter all over the mad hatter's face.

Resulting in quite the rumbling, tumbling, side crumbling, bumbling of a fumbling and mainly mumbling Mad Hatter.


Now that I got that out, let's shoot the shit. Be honest, do you workout? If so, do you do it to:
A) Look good
B) Be healthy
C) You just feel guilty if you don't
D) Some other reason, like you want to be able to lift cars, or do one-armed pushups

I'm still trying to figure out if the phrase, "Sun's out. Guns out." is really worth all the time spent in the gym. Can people even see past my hairy chest? Over at Team Blacksheep we only ask the important questions in life. Like this one:

Do girls with thin mustaches know they have a mustache and think other people can't see it? Or do they just not see the mustache when they look in the mirror?

Working Stffy

So now that I have a job, I can update this thing everyday and get paid to do so! Who says you can't make money doing these things? LIES!

I admit it everyone, also known as just me. I am a working stiffy. I am not sure where to go with this blog just yet, but I am slowly developing a strategy. Fortunately right now, I haven't told a single person about my blog, so it doens't have to go anywhere. I am implementing a similiar strategy at work: Keep your head down and don't let anyone know you are at work, then you won't have to do anything.

Has this worked for anyone else out there? Be honest, it's anonymous.

I experienced one thing that was awesome today. Went to work out at an undisclosed location this morning, and was greeted by drunk people playing outside the gym. That's how early it was.

PS that's a picture of my dog Oswald. He's got a big nose...like me! From now on I will update this thing with funny commentary, at least to me, and possibly a link or to to things that are entertaining, at least to me. But it will all be in an effort to not make this blog just about me, but about u2, the popular hard rock and roll band.

We Were Robbed!!!!

And by we I mean the Lakers...and by robbed I mean we lost...and I use the term "we" assuming that I am a part of the Lakers Men's Basketball Team.


Other than that today was insane. Headed over to the parental unit's house to eat BBQ chicken, and it was so good this is what we all ended up looking like. So, off to the gym at 5:30 am tomorrow to work off that chicken. I personally think Meagan's looks the best. Your opinions?


Unfortunately, I think mine scores very high on the "Most Believable" chart. Just about as high as that time that guy told that judge he didn't kill those two people. Which guy were you thinking of?

Meagan's Infamous Cookies

I talk these things up to everyone, and even after I set the bar incredibly high for Meagan, she still delivers; people love them. What's the recipe you ask? Can't see...it is that secret. I'm being dead serious when I say I have never had such amazing home made cookies.

Both Meagan and I worked for DWBH today at the CDM run for life/relay/Look at me/I'm in shape/I wear tight pants event...wouldn't have missed it for the world. Maybe running makes you happy. Ever notice how happy everyone is at a marathon or running event? "I can't wait to run 26 miles!!!" Nope, just didn't do it for me. Maybe someone can explain...

Life is tough...and here is Girlfriend and I exemplifying that exact saying. Little known fact, when you get inducted into the bald men group, they give you the hat I am wearing in this photo as kind of a "Hey you're bald...but you got a free hat!?!?" type of thing.

Today I morned the news of Speidi breaking up. I thought they were the most amazing power couple of all time... I am being dead serious. Your thoughts?

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles...You get me my DONUTS!!!

WHAT UP!!!

So, memorial day weekend was crazy, like your mom. Chris's mom right? We all went over to Club Simon, I get this neat hat you see in the picture, and I worked on my tan. Midway through lounging in the pool I thought to myself, "It doesn't get much better than this." Ever had those moments yourself?

Then Joanne told me about how her and Bob skinny dip in the pool. That pretty much flipped my world upside down for a number of different reasons. But hey, I guess if you pay for it, you should be able to do with it what you want, like those asian mail order brides.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Please Welcome...The Blacksheep!!!

I just wanted to introduce everyone to my dear friend. We spend a lot of time together, and he makes me gay. Woops.

Retirement Plan

Well you are staring right at my retirement plan. Yes, I put it on sideways for a reason. That reason you ask? Well it's for me to know and you to find out.

Today could not have been better. It was full of accomplishments, failures, and pure excitement. You may have found yourself in a similar situation as I today:

While I was working at home I knew of an errand I had to run. I didn't want to do it so I blew it off. Then I decided to talk myself through it. I actually talked myself into doing something I had no intention of doing today; I overcame my laziness (at least for a day).

There are so many things in life we can't control, I figure I might as well take control of the things I can; today, I put that ideology to use. You should too.

I'm IMPORTANT!

I would like to start off by welcoming everyone. My name is Thomas VanMelum. What's yours? I plan on using this blog for whatever I want. I have a lot going on in my life right now, and I think it is important that the World Wide Web be aware of it, not necessarily people per se, but the World Wide Web because I really care what he thinks (if you didn't know the WWW was a 'he' then I probably just blew you mind like when your parents told you Santa Clause wasn't real, but you didn't totally believe them, and then later as an adult you found out that he actually was real...but whatevs).

This picture proves how busy I am <----- it came straight from my iPhone so you know it is real.

Anyway, I can't wait for the fun shared experiences we are going to have and how much we are going to learn about each other. Here's to us: It is amazing how much we can accomplish when nobody cares who gets the credit, as long as it is me.