My Weekend @ Shmannel Shmislands

All I'm going to do here is show you a timeline / schedule. All of this is factual, no lies. You tell me if Lauren could keep up with this:

Friday
4:00pm: Arrive in Ventura for the showing of CHOHW
4:30pm: Launch boat for surf trip tomorrow
5:30pm: Eat dinner / have some drinks
5:31pm: Have some drinks
7:00pm: Show up to movie and sign autographs, shake hands, kiss babies
7:01pm: Have some drinks while kissing babies
8:00pm: Watch movie and scream the whole time
8:01pm: Have some drinks while screaming (it's tough to do)
9:00pm: Tell a joke into the mic in front of 500 people and have Keith Malloy take the mic away from you
9:30pm: Go back to the boat, talk for a little bit, visit the grocery store for food supplies, and tell Tim not to party too hard and get arrested
11:00pm: Bed time.


Saturday
4:00am: Wake up and start packing

5:00am: Figure out why the motor won't start. (Turns out the motor had a strict no starting before 5:00am rule). It eventually started, and we heading off to Shmannel Shmislands
6:20am: Arrive at Santa Cruz south shore and surf/bodysurf for 2 hours alone. There were no other boats.
7:30am: Get hit by surfboard in head, and bleed everywhere so the sharks can eat Tim.
9:30am: Eat a sandwich.
11:00am: Go surf for another 2 hours
1:00pm: Eat a sandwich and find a place to dive for dinner (Christian speared two fish for us).
3:00pm: Return to the surf spot and surf for another 45 minutes
3:45pm: Head home
5:00pm: Enter Ventura Harbor
6:30pm: Sit in the jacuzzi and start BBQing the fish
9:00pm: Visit bars that literally not one single person is in
11:00pm: Return to boat and play mandalin while falling asleep, sitting up

Sunday
6:00am: Wake up, pack up your shit, and get ready to head to Magic Mountain.
10:00am: Arrive at Magic Mountain and just fuck that place up until you gots to go.
10:00am to 4:30pm: Batman, Colossus, Scream, Green Lantern, Goliath, Viper, Tatsu, Riddler's Revenge, X2...booya grandma
4:30am: Tell Tim he isn't going to puke and start headin' home.
6:00am: Arrive home to your beautiful wife (guarantee you she'll never have one of those)

...Nailed it.

Thomas VanMelum

Happy Bday Kara!

Nothing says happy birthday like approaching a bunch of strangers and asking them to say happy birthday to someone they don't even know... Eat your heart out Lauren! (Don't actually do that)

Plug it in and Turn me on!

You guessed it, this is going to be about the new Keith Malloy surf movie "Come Hell or High Water." Not only is it the 1st movie solely about bodysurfing, but it has some of the best in the sport doing what they do best, MAKING BABIES CRY from SHITTING THEIR PANTS because they've just seen MOZART take a piano, shape it into a wave, then FUCKING SLIDE DOWN THAT BITCH LIKE NEVER BEFORE SEEN, now DIKE OUT! Woo....thank god I got that out early in the blog post.

I have to get sentimental for a moment. The first memories I have of surfing period are from bodysurfing. My pops took me to the beach (Newport Pier to be specific) and showed me how to go straight in on a wave for as long as I could. You put your arms behind your back and you went until your belly, or Jewish nose for me, hit the sand. When I became a teenager I surfed all the time with Christian "The Ice-berg" Berg-hansen, but we ditched the boards often -- at the point -- to just bodysurf. No chicks, no glory, no future, just gay fun. In retrospect, I should have kept surfing, because clearly there are a lot more opportunities in that industry...bummer.

Anyway, here we are today. I love bodysurfing. My lifestyle, personality, and overall general attitude are much more aligned with those who bodysurf. These guys love to play grab ass more than an overly excited football player, and make gay jokes more than an overly excited bible thumper (and might I add under informed). Tonight, the movie will be amazing not just because it's about something I love (because I didn't get this excited when chipotle opened up on the peninsula and I LOVE CHIPOTLE!), but because I will get to see it with a group of people who love it just as much as me, if not more. It will be like seeing the Beebs  for the first time, and we are all horny young hormonal teenage girls. Rowdy? Yup. Respectful? Yup. Speedos? Well, you'll have to come to find out.

-VanMelum

PS If I may provide an addendum to Keith's tagline: "It's about taking a breath and kicking your feet in the big blue see [while using your dick as a rudder]."

Breakdancing in the Barrel

What a weekend it was! And heeeeeeeere we gooooooo...

A long time ago I bought a bee-bee gun to shoot the pesky squirrels (wabbits) that make my dogs bark. Well, yesterday I got one square in the face! BOOYAH GRANDMA! Here's the dialogue:

Wife: Did you hit it?
Thomas: I don't think so. It ran to the other side of the tree.
Wife: Oh there it is. You missed it.
(Squirrel then falls out of the tree, 10 or so feet, and hits the ground).
Thomas: I GOT IT!

After about a split second of happiness, the flailing of the squirrel makes me uneasy, and the sickness starts to set it. Long story short, I stunned the shit out of it, but it later got up and run away. And that was just the beginning of the weekend.
Rock 'n Roll Petesvky and Roxanne were kind enough to invite us to the Newport Beach Jazz concert series. I told Petesvky point blank my feelings about Jazz, but we opted to go anyway. NGUYENING! Not only was the show amazing (in part mainly to the guy who played the talk box through an electronic clarinet), but Wife and Roxanne took a picture with Danielle, aka Topanga. Apparently Roxanne is Topanga's long lost sister, so from now on I am calling her Roxanga. Your thoughts?

Disco Balls and Man Calls

It's been awhile since I've posted...it's 'cause I'm married bitch! If you weren't there here is what you missed:

In-N-Out Burgers
Eye Candy
Nose Candy
Strong Drinks
Some muted pinks
Lots of white
Loud music
and just an overall GAY time. BLAM! I hope Lauren Birchfield is ok...haven't seen her for awhile. Maybe it's because I can't see her through the amount of dust I just left her in. Just call me Gandhi because I peaced out (yup just made that up). I was having a conversation with my dog yesterday, Oswald (he's such a great listener), and we discovered a lot in our little discussion. Namely, fragmented sentences are the key to the truncated attention spans we all have these days.

What's up with "these days?" What about "those days?"

I almost buried myself and my own bachelor party with the amount of activities we were accomplishing. Turns out, if you have a steady stream of alcohol and a dash of food, you can run for days. I can confirm this test based off of my 3 day bachelor trip in Santa Catalina. Aside from Jake passing out on the pier 1 hour into the trip, and AY ducking out early every night, everybody champed out, hardcore (not this hardcore but this hardcore). UHH! It's like that sick drum fill....boot a bap boom boom! Sound it out, you'll hear it.

So many crazy adventures, so many crazy faces...I'm coming back at it because I want to make time for you internet! I owe you everything internet...let me purge my life story all over your spongy surface. Soak it up.

Thomas VanMelum

Photos make life Cooler

Seriously, I hear a lot of people complain about these photo apps being "trendy" and stupid and what not...go eat a D! These photo apps are making me seem so cool you don't even understand. When I have kids, my #1 priority will be to make sure they know how cool I am/was. These are examples of some cool photo apps I have downloaded, this one is called Diptic. Here's a scenario:

Scenario 1
Billie (that's my pseudo kids name): Hey Pop, want to go play basketball?
Thomas: I was dunking by the time I was in 8th grade Billie. 8TH GRADE!!!
Billie: That's awesome dad. Let's go play.
Thomas: Not yet, let's look at these cool photos of me dunking from back then.





Scenario 2
Billie: I just discovered this old tv show called The Office, it's so funny.
Thomas: Here are some photos of me hanging with the whole crew of The Office.
Billie: Pop, you knew everyone! You are so cool...
Thomas: Just for good measure, let's do an experiment. Sit there Billie, and I'll take a picture of you just standing there. BAM! Now here's a picture of me just standing there from a long time ago. How much cooler do I look than you?!?!?
Billie: Fiddle sticks. You look AWESOME!


So yeah...

Come Hell or High Sea Water

The Cynic. Why don't people realize they are in control of their own happiness? I know we all know at least one person like this. You try anything and everything to get them to be stoked on life, but they continue to bask in their own negativity. Moreover, they attract that same energy and end up continually hanging out with people who have the same outlook on things. That's tough.

Well, while Lauren Birchfield is spending most of her time going to galas and balls (not those kind...well maybe those kind I don't know), I've been working hard to dominate the world with smiles, inspire other people, and try to make everyone around me just a little bit happier. Who's leading at this point? It's tough to say because as much as I hate dressing up, I sure would love to go to a ball. Maybe I could meet Cinderella...and stand around talking about who knows what and not have a care in the world. Life is pretty good when your biggest concern is, "Should I stick with vodka now that I'm too drinks deep or go for that pink drink over there that I know has gin in it?" You're at home with your computer, don't act like you haven't said something similar to yourself before.

Why is Back to the Future such an epic series? Look at them...seriously look at them. Those guys are living the dream; travelling through time, saving the universe, making out with their moms at prom, ZING!!!

4th of July Mishap!

Well, it happens to the best of us, BRAIN FART. I was excited to light the Roman Candle my mom had got me a few Hanukkahs ago, and assumed the end where the wick is is not the end where the fireworks come out of. I was wrong. Hilarity ensued. Watch the video:

I've got some other things to post but they will have to wait until tomorrow.

Here's the link to the video if you want to watch it in HD: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=falsfjpvkiU

My decline into the Murky Abyss that is Pop Music!

What can I say...my guiltiest pleasure (besides the company of small asian, preferably Taiwanese, boys) is straight up top 40 pop music. You lie like my rug if you say you can't help but get attached to them a little.

AND HERE COMES THE MUSIC SNOB! We know one, or two, or forty. The guy or girl who can't love pop music because it's just too popular. Well I've got a news flash for you music SNOB "Afghans Build Security, and Hope to Avoid Infiltrators (that seriously was a news flash in the New York Times today).

But I digress. What I wanted to say was, "Your life will become more fun and interesting when you let pop music into your heart." Look how cool it made Michael Jackson, he was the coolest 13 year old (arrested development) ever! And Katie Perry...she's got HUGE boobs (. ) ( .) (again, a digression but still noteworthy).

Let pop music fill your ears like water filled the lungs of those on the Titanic...too soon? Write me an email or leave a comment and I will set you up with 10 great new pop songs you won't be able to turn off. BAM!

Yours Truly,

Thomas VanMelum

Interesting Reporting

Watch this video until the end. I know some people might get offended with the "too soon" argument so I will tread lightly. It's is unfortunate that Dunn died so young and it's even more unfortunate how he died. I find it interesting that the report chooses to mention the pillaging, and the disgrace it is to Dunn, instead of focusing on the alleged 130 mph and drunk driving. I guess ultimately it's interesting they found it necessary to interview a grieving person immediately after they view the devastation.