Chapter 6: Battle over Dicelandic Extremities

 Chapter 6 Battle over Dicelandic Extremities

There I lay, torn battered and beaten. A seething beast had just tried to snuff me. I realized I was no match for his endless ferociousness, his vigor, his sharp pointy fangs. But this realization came too late! I was knee deep in shit (and worried that an open wound in shit would undoubtedly get infected) and had to find a way to overcome this beast; to tame it. I called to him:

"Have you had enough? I've seen bigger claws at an inner city nail salon! Come at me..."


This enraged the beast. His hair stood on it's end and he lunged at me with the force of 1000 fairies (fairies are actually quite strong, contrary to popular belief -- watch Hook the movie and you will see, we need to break down these walls that have been holding fairies down for years [the walls of course are not literal walls that have been holding fairies down, because I have just proved that fairies could move an actual wall -- they are being held down by figurative walls you see]).

BACK TO THE STORY...
I was able to deflect his advance, but it would only postpone the inevitable. I had to think fast. I had to summon the courage of 1000 fairies (see it's working) to live to see another day.

The beast growled, saliva gooing from his mouth. I stood tall -- I filled my lungs with air -- I looked straight at the best. I knew what I had to do. He compressed and came at me like a bolt of lightening...this was it!

So I bopped him on the nose and said, "No Oswald. Get outside."

And that was it. Just one little scratch. The End.

By: Thomas VanMelum

I've got FANS!!!

 I got one of my first compliments ever on my blog today from a reader who will remain anonymous:

"I'm feeling blog deprived."

-Katie F.

Well, she will remain at least slightly anonymous, ha ha. Anyway, things have been crazy since the proposal, so writing a blog has been difficult. But I had a little pep talk with myself and realized: "Lauren Birchfield doesn't rest. Lauren Birchfield doesn't take days off. Lauren Birchfield image knows no boundaries!" And it is because of this my dear friends that I will, NAY, must press on!!! 

Then the crowd cheers and we go and kill all those people like in Braveheart (actually I've never seen Braveheart but I heard it was anti-Semitic... I mean good).

Vegas was crazy gnar gnar this weekend. Jesse hooked us up at some crazy club, only to get denied by minutes, MINUTES I TELL YOU! And the fact that they were prejudice against my slip on Vans. I'm not bitter though, and we lived it up in our own club, as seen here by Girlfren', Club Fucking Blacksheep Bitch! Claire got up on a table, danced for a few minutes which was great, then Jesse did too so we got kicked out. Then I screamed "This is sexist!" and got punched in the face. Which is crazy because I was so drunk I meant to yell at Jesse "This is sexy!" Oh well...

Here is an amazing art piece we found while on our adventures in Vegas. Actually, it's the carpet at our hotel, but it looked amazing after a 56. Jesse coined the term 56, meaning a round of 7 and 7's. Four 7 & 7's.

Last but not least, we went out to Vegas originally to see Greg and Nikki Perrine as well as Taliban Tully. Unfortunately, we were all living our own dreams and couldn't be bothered to slow down and talk to each other. I was actually excited to see everyone having such a good time and not compromising anything. Chin everyone, chin!

Thomas VanMelum

PS here is a video of Jesse and I doing our best West Side Story gang dance on the way to the club.

Let's Get Serious For One Post

There is a viral video on the internet of Casey Heynes, a young boy who puts an end to his bullying, by body slamming (literally) his aggressor. At first I thought, "SHIT YEAH!!!" and assume most people had the same reaction. Then as I watched Casey and the bully, Richard Gale, being interviewed I realized for the first time that the internet might have a heart and may be used for good.

The interview of Casey portrays a child, 15, who has been bullied his whole life. The interview of Richard, the bully, portrays a child who can't escape ridicule now. All in all, I felt sorry for all the parties involved; to me there were no winners here, past or present. And then a spark went off in my head: "If people see enough of these videos they must come to the conclusion that nobody wins with violence." However, I came to this conclusion upon reflection. My initial response was that this was amazingly righteous and awesome.So I believe this train of videos helps prove the power of reflection and one of my theories I'm constantly working on:

Good and bad are reflections of time, that is to say they are constant. What was good at one time can be made bad over time, and visa versa. Yup.

Here is the train of videos.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=casey+heynes&aq=f

I basically touched on a million different concepts here and don't expect anybody to read this post since there aren't pictures. Not sad, just life.

Thomas VanMelum

Girlfren's World Famous for Extreme Tanning but...

Here are some of her world famous cookie platters.

Step 1: Mash Girlfren's secret dough into a tin.

Step 2: Stick in the fridge bitch.

Step 3: Put it in the oven.

Step 4: Serve and enjoy.

I am kind of parodying "how to" books and instruction manuals that basically tell you the obvious. I don't know how many times I have gone to put something together and the steps are so oversimplified it's laughable. For example, HOW TO BUILD A CAR:

Step 1: Attach the frame to the body
Step 2: Install motor and transmission
Step 3: Paint.

BLAM! Building a car is as easy as 1...2...3. Here is a video from the 70's of Aaron and I surfing outside our house. (We traveled back in time in a Miata)

I'm on Cloud 8...which is still pretty good.

A little chicken wing for my Wedge Boys at Off the Wall. 

 Showing everybody how to go on a closeout.

It's late and I'm tired. Not a good excuse, but valid nonetheless. I'll leave you with this:

A single drop of water can't create a ripple without a pool to land in.

-Thomas VanMelum

"Pineapple Fields Forever" by the Schmeetles

 And the Schmeetles latest hit, "Here come the rays, shooby doo wop!" So, contrary to popular belief, the main reason of going to Hawaii was to visit the pineapple fields. Long have I enjoyed the zany business tactics of Dole and wanted to know where all the magic happens. Turns out they don't do magic, they just grow pineapples. In fact that should be their new slogan:

Dole. No magic, just pineapples.

I think that would clear up a lot of confusing revolving around the pineapple world. Not to mention, my cousin Jake and I have tried to do Splash Mountain poses all over the world. Oh, you don't know what a Splash Mountain pose is? It's where you go somewhere mundane or silly, and put your arms over your head like you are going down the steep part of Splash Mountain! Perfectly demonstrated below by my lovely fiancé. Yup I know how to type é's.

Sometimes I wonder to myself, at what point in time will people realize that Hipstamatic should win a Nobel Prize? In 2012, when the world ends, we are going to need to have a lot of cool photos so that the next race that inhabits Earth will know how cool humans were. And trust me, they will want to know. If all we have are artifacts like bowls and classic videos of the greatest live performer ever, Young MC, then they will have no idea the great stuff we were capable of. Hipstamatic can fix this; afterall, Hipstamatic's dad is a tv repair man.

PS I tried to watch the Young MC video and got bored 27 seconds into it.<-- That's how cool I am.

Thomas VanMelum

Where to start?

The core of this blog was shaken during this trip. It's all happening MOM! Famous people all over the place! So here is a picture of me with famous bodysurfer and French model Fred David. This would of course be good enough for an entire blog post, but wait, there's more!

Next to Fred is 5 time Olympic gold medalist Aaron Peirsol. I know what you're saying, "Oh please Thomas, you've known him since you were a kid, he doesn't count." Fine then bubble burster.

Next to Aaron is "surfer world" famous Keith Malloy of Woodshed films and Patagonia. He has made and starred in some of the most influential surf films of my generation. BLAM! Stick that in your spanks Birchfield. Booya grandma! Air hi-five and air hump combined. TEAM BLACKSHEEP WOO!

Now, as if those 3 guys weren't enough, I am working on my own celebrity. In the Pipe bodysurfing competition I finished 2nd in the prelims and 7th overall and had the best looking fins out there. Ladies and gentlemen meet my fins, Sagat (tiger up cut!). I chose Sagat because to be honest, it sounds like he is saying Viper! Viper! Viper upper cut! Those fins catapulted me to a perfect 10 wave (which is a dream come true) and the 2nd highest score ever in the tournament -- 2nd to Mike Stewart, arguably one of the greatest spongers to walk the earth.

There were many different reasons that, for 10 days on the North Shore, I felt like the coolest mother fucker around.


Thomas VanMelum

PS More to come from this trip. Believe you, me.

Charlie Sheen truly is Winning!!!

Yup. I had a great blog post all written up yesterday, but then I was introduced to this gem:

I Sign the Front of Checks...Not the Backs

Welly welly well...I went straight from creepy guy at Tequila Party who outstayed his welcome, to creepy guy at Kid's Party who was not welcome...but they had a bounce house...how could I resist? I'll tell you one way to ruin a bounce house, let kids in it. They don't know how to take full advantage of the bouncing system, the air soft obstacles, or the accidental touch of a beautiful lady! (PS Love you Girlfren', this is just for the readers. And for your information, the only thing I touched was Jake as he grabbed me and we both rolled down the slide together in a very manly way of course).

In fact, it was my nephew Magnisii's (plural for Magnus) 1st birthday! Unfortunately he missed most of his party because he ate too much cake at the beginning, went into a sugar frenzy, and passed out 3 minutes into his own party. Imagine if you did that as an adult -- EPIC!

This reminds me of the time I graduated college (Yes that really happened). My family rented a bounce house for me as a graduation gift and I loved it so much I slept in it that night with Girlfren' (Yes that really happened). It was then that I vowed to build the greatest bounce house course ever known!

I went into exile for the next 2 years creating what would be the perfect bounce obstacle course. It was too daunting a task to take on alone, so I hired a young whipper snapper named Rhamdi Ojhali. Rhamdi worked beside me day and night to help me fulfill my vision, and when it was finished it was our vision. Tragedy struck!!! Rhamdi went behind my back and sold the concept to ABC which is now a hit show called Wipeout (Yes that really happened, in my head). So Fuck you Rhamdi, you foiled one of my many plans to become cooler than Lauren Birchfield. It's cool though, I've got tons of other thins in the pipeline, like:

1. A show for kids about a giant purple clown named Carney.
2. Curing AIDS
3. Writing the greatest book ever called: SEX, Give and Take. Shake and Bake.

BLAM!

Thomas VanMelum

Life is FULL of awesomeness when you're Me. And we are all me.

Where to begin? Let's start at the tequila party because I'm so excited I can still remember everything (I'm assuming very few others at this party shared this ability). Girlfren' and I went to Emily and Justin's engagement party which was to die for --so now...so chic (as the French say)... so di classe (as the Italians say)... or as I put it: "Fucking Righteous Broseph." We may have very well been in San Diego with the party being thrown by Ron Burgundy, that's how classy this thing was.


Class is something you expect in Newport Beach, but they took it one step further. While we were all dining on beautifully prepared catered food, we noticed we were in the presence of a black widow -- which was looming just above our heads the entire time. What a unique way to spice up dinner, have some fun, and keep the adrenaline level high. Golf clap to all that were involved with the making of this wonderful party. GOLF CLAP!

Now Girlfren' and I like to consider ourselves cultured, worldly, and sophisticated; so we went to Claim Jumper and ate with our friends Kyle and Katie the next night. The highlight of the night was Katie talking about how Curios Kyle electrocuted himself one evening, and Katie's impression of him was not only hysterical but also impeccable. Here is Kyle getting electrocuted:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQELoPvdLeQ&feature=related

I guess you had to be there.

Thomas VanMelum

Russell Brand, I envy you in a few ways...

Chelsea: So you were a sex addict. Is that right?


Russell: I don't know if it's right, but it's fun.




Thomas VanMelum

Backflips, Nipple Slips, and The Clips

BLAM! We were chasing around fucking Ninja Turtles EVERYWHERE in LA last night--SHREDDER! Nutz, Jesse, Jake, and myself enjoyed an entertaining game at the Houston Rocket's expense. The night was not all fun and games though (no, nobody got their eye poked out). We had a common goal: to end up on the Jumbotron (this would make Lauren envious for sure). We air humped like crazy, we danced with eachother, we showed a little boobie, and we accomplished nothing (except entertaining our immediate seat neighbors)! We just can't compete with girls wearing Clippers gear, gay guys doing their rendition of every famous broadway musical dance, and cute little kids who could be on biggest loser. Varily, we could not have tried harder, and because of this, I can put this one in the win column.

These girls to the right agreed to take a picture with Jake and some jackass took a picture of him at the exact same time as me, so his flash ruined the photo. I'm thinking, WTF!?!? But probably not for the reasons you are thinking. Here goes:

Why is some random dude taking a picture of Jake, a guy he doesn't know, with these girls?


Serioulsy. Seriously. seriously. The only logical explanation I can come up with, is that he is using Jake as an excuse to take a picture of the girls. Thus, Jake will end up being in this random guy's "alone time." Sorry Jake, but you inadvertently got stuck in a "sticky" situation, and for that I apologize. Zinger!

All in all it was a great time...3 Jews and Nutz. I say that because I thought of an amazing show to combat with The View, it's called 3 Jews and Nutz. We sit around talking about current events (mainly complaining), but there's a twist. Part of the whole show is to get your entire point across while eating nuts. There's very few things that are more disgusting than listening to a person talk while eating nuts. Then, talking yourself and watching them clean their teeth with their tongue because they have nut residuals. The End. PS This tv show will be more than one-dimensional.

Thomas VanMelum

I'm not Bipolar. I might be bi-winning...

Has anyone watched the clips of Charlie Sheen? Go here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_dqTS_mXnQ

He seriously should become a writer right now! The amount of one-liners he has are utterly amazing. Here are a few examples:

"I am on a drug. It's called the Charlie Sheen! It's not available because if you try it once you will die; your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body."


"I'm Bi-winning. I win here I win there. Now what?"


"I blinked and I cured my brain." or "I've got tiger blood man."

Well enough of that you get the idea. I wanted to only put up one but I just realized that the best I could do was narrow it down to 4 or 5.He needs to hire a documentary team right away and seriously cash in on this craziness.

Recently, I have acted on the idea of getting a nice little bar together at my house, but I must admit one downside. I come home everyday from work and look at it and say to myself "I should have a drink since it is so convenient." It sounds good in my head, but I quickly realize there is no reason for me to have a drink, I feel fine and I don't really even want one. Anybody else have something like that ever? I'm also having these weird feelings about giving alcohol to my dogs...(ok that's a joke)

I was thinking about getting a Go Pro! and fashioning a dog strap, strapping to Oswald, and recording what Oswald sees when he runs around. Like, an Oswald point of view. Could be interesting...

Thomas VanMelum

Back to the Birthday

Back to the Birthday! All we are missing is a white haired crazy scientist and a talented young actor known as The DeLorean . Girlfren' and I love to visit the dog beach, mainly because it gets the dogs tired so we can do things we want to do the rest of the day. But this day was special! Our English Mastiff friends Kathryn Anderson and Brian Ortwein met us there with Abby, their English Mastiff. Abby dominated Oswald, among other dogs that got too close, while Brian and I talked about confronting asset bubbles and the beggar-thy-neighbor exchange rate policies as they relate to the current global economy and climate. (PS you have to click this link)

Abby was equipped with the most stylish shock collar. Naturally, Brian and I went back and forth about who had the balls to put it around their neck and CRANK THAT AMP TO 11!

Last night I went and visited the Village People at the YMCA. Seriously, there were village people there with pitchforks and everything -- I think they had just caught a witch or something. Anyway, I was going there to swim with my goggles, swim cap (even though I'm bald), and festive speeds. I must admit, I felt nervous to enter an arena I was not accustomed to; like that time my buddy told me to go to this Orgy party (I thought I was going to see the band, boy was my face red). I will leave you with this Thomas VanMelum original:

 Sitting at a work desk is like watching a 2 hour porn -- it gets boring after 2 minutes.

Thomas VanMelum