I want to go to Hawaii -- Yay!

Yes, Hawaii would be a gay time! Girlfren' and I are doing it Peter, we're doing it! I am competing in the Pipeline Bodysurfing Competition this year, and it gives us a great excuse to go to Hawaii for 10 days. This marks the first true vacation I've ever taken as an adult. Sad, I know...I'm a late bloomer...except for my facial hair.

Does anyone ever think about how stupid the news is? My pops said a great thing the other day,

I skip articles about murder, terrorism, and the middle east. It makes reading the newspaper go much faster.

 I know it's funny, but the point is that it's also very true.

This is me rockin' it at a convention for Don't Worry Be Happy (DWBH). Dancing in public doesn't make me nervous, but I admit, it is a lot easier to do when you have a costume on so nobody can see your face. To be honest, I think I was doing more harm than good, but hey I was having fun, and who believes in altruism these days anyway.

Vlog Test...123

So the reason this is significant:
1) It's dark outside, and I am going bodysurfing in 12 foot waves by myself.
2) I work at 9am, so I got to still do a full work day
3) IT TOTALLY FUCKIN' WORKED!!! In at work like nothing ever happened.

So you might ask... "How early did you have to wake up to do this?" Well, the answer is 4:00am. However, it's not really that hard to wake up that early when Girlfren' is already up and getting ready for work [as seen in this picture]. I've always wanted to be 60 and talking with my friends and have them say ask how I accomplished so much random stuff, and of course answer "I just sleep less."

Enough...let's talk about something else. Like the fact that Lambert (my prius) is a fucking champ. Or the fact that my job fucking rocks. Or the fact that I have the best Girlfren' in the world. Or that my butt has been itchy for the past 3 days and I'm too embarrassed to scratch it! Yeah, I'm pumped on life. And today, I'm going to scratch my butt!

iPhone Apps and Digital Craps

No I don't mean taking a digital poop. In fact, I don't even know what that means, but I'm going to make it up right now. Digital poop means dumping all. I'm talking about being addicted to an iPhone app like craps (vegas gambling game) or shown here, Super Stick Golf. This picture illustrates two things:

1) I am ranked 13th in the world right now.
2) Clearly, I have no life.


Anybody else spend way too much time on one specific app, and which one?

I would now like to play a little game called:


Come Up With Your Best Blake Griffin Announcer Line
Blake Griffin is so good, he makes me want to buy a duck and make it my lawyer. [The End]

Rape Whistles meets Booba Foopa hello Spiderfang

Mike is Hip, that's why he eats at this place

"Ratty" Mike Radford heading to the chow down factory after a great sesh at the Boom Boom Room. This breakfast nook sold over 80,000 scones last year. How do I know that? Because they told me about 20 times. It was like talking to a proud parent.

Switching gears (vroooom). Let me be the first to say that the Boom Boom Room can be bodysurfed in the complete dark. I woke up at 3:30 am, got there right before 6:00 am and was doing back flips in the surf no problem in the dark.

    I

This may have been a great idea if it were within
3 years of the invention of the phone. But now?
Seriously?

If you're wondering why I named this post the way I did, it's because I just discovered that you can add words to urban dictionary. I am hoping they accept Booba Fupa. Don't know what it is? Look it up: Booba fupa.

Over the weekend Girlfrien' and I pushed Lazy Sunday to the MAX (no not the cool hangout spot from Saved by the Bell, we wish). But other than that, we managed to progress Team Blacksheep with the bimonthly car wash get together. I think everyone should get together two Sundays monthly and wash their cars; it would be fun, productive, and would help make it so the terrorists don't win. Can't say no to that right?

Right.

In this down economy...

Thank god that phrase is disappearing. Nails on a chalkboard people, nails on a chalkboard. Apples to oranges. Lemons. I went and visited my nephew Julius Warmsley at the Temple Bat Yahm last night. It was pajama night, so no that guy in the background wearing pajamas isn't crazy.

I also felt the sudden urge that my sister would appreciate tattoos on Julius, so I made sure to mark him up good.

You ever watch a movie and just feel compelled to be somebody at the end? I am being dead serious. You get to the end of the movie and you're like, I'm going to be somebody! So then you call your mom and let her know. I was watching I'm Still Here, the mockumentary with Jaquin Phoenix, and that movie did not give me that feeling. It wasn't funny, or sad -- I guess it just wasn't anything really.

Do you think if they opened a TGIF's in China it will be called TBIF (Thank Buddha It's Friday)? Or in Iraq, TMIF (Thank Muhammed It's Friday)? Or in India TBVLSPSIF (Thank Brahma Vishnu Laxmi Shiva Parvati Saraswati It's Friday)? See what I did there -- a polytheism joke. Booyah Grandma! Jean Claude Van Damn that's funny!

Blake Griffin called me. He's coming over to my house next year. Let's make this happen. Game over.

Lyrics to Abandon Ship (Sharks and Mermaids) by Kool Keith and Hard Kiss For Jesse Pemstein

Jesse is the King

This isn't going to make sense to anybody, but there is a song my friend and I have been listening to since the days of MTV's Amp 1 & 2. That's not really a big deal. What is a big deal, is that nowhere on the internet can you find the lyrics to the song. I mean NOWHERE! Listen to the song and you will understand why. Jesse, you're welcome. Without further ado:

Kool Keith and Hardkiss : Abandon Ship

Yeah. Kool Keith and Hardkiss. V gauges off PM reading four two one seven decimal eight four two eight N two three. Red code five. Atlas seven seven seven. Ultimate delta beaming through. Fly afro livin’ with the bellbottoms jump and I got ‘em superlinguist faster master extreme remark necks, with sideburns like shaft pass the man. Go jump and ask the man. For autographs I’m thorough, let’s do the math warp speed in every borough. Come thorough ground complexion parked in the space section. Galactic nasty mean in the flying saucer underwater maximum enterprise. Jewish? People realize ray guns utlilize atmospheric, vocations spirits autobionic steel man. Robosonic industrial material reel-to-reel again aluminum foil made of steel again. Model six zero four three seven eleven eight nine model design. African metallic alloy. Atlas seven. Aluminum alloy. Atlas seven. Atlas seven. Aluminum alloy atlas seven. Organization illustrates psycho moving and texture chemical tactics will call for practice ability for centuries roll with the enemies altercational regional, subliminal helmets down focus on the time criminal. Zone western south of the hemisphere globab warrior captian when I order ya. U.S. ships navy catastrophes the government evidence cool with the president distance in motion. Soldiers by the ocean groove with emotion stick with the new wave. Arsenal daily computer atomics robot built to the X four to the modest. Sequence frenzy don’t never attempt me range , power ,driven. Terrible action you miss by a fraction thermonuclear hydraulic insomnia. We be bombin’ ya. Metro two thousand sacrifice and beams in our area. We bombed your area the force competitor Australian spies. Codes, modules, antique residue retro traction retro action computer refinement, the last design with. A two thousand stretch ‘em. Atlas atomic frequents with the MIDI through sequence turn up and amplify we search at altitude mass and oxygen open up the box again. Abondon ship, abondon ship, sharks and mermaids, sharks and mermaids abondon ship. Captain Newmackwa, come in Captain Newmackwa. Captian Newmackwa, come in Captain Newmackwa.

(Bass line bitches)

Commander of the sea vessel. Commander of the sea vessel

Told you Girlfren'. Oswald eats tennis balls.

permission to remote start controls edit the function service approach with torpedoes toasted analog gadgets. Plus two pounds of army warfare mid ships missiles cages of cables holds stable built acrylics, delivery, armory camouflages. Entourages of Vietnam, Scandinavian Aviation Service Intelligence Centers. Close in range metro six close for us of terrestrial elements images of distinctive unknown bones. Down the eastern shore, watch close down thirty five feet of deep current great whites and hammerhead sharks. We circle stones off the hip hop past the pacific coast down to the ‘stralian past the other human beings. Fortify us that move into underground quickly love scuba diving three hundred million feet below accurate analyzation formation grease on my body runs between my finger linger. Fingers linger above mystic seaweed. Jelly fish and octopus species. Probe incredibly continuous excitement little ring and harp. Dial within surpreme exterior establishment enchantment building my advancement. Excalibur level phenomenal regional A plus new attraction wavin’ on channel editorial imperial pages maximum services cruising like spaceships. Rampart from the start. United independent folds and speculation standby circumferences, innovation uniquely ambiguous corporals on the sea. Ships, bridge, begun atmosphere unconscious formal. Sounds become abnormal. Seventy seven RPM degress speed of light. This is the new way. Abondon ship, abondon ship, sharks and mermaids, sharks and mermaids abandon ship. Yeah. Hardkiss coming through. CP three oh eight. Two miles off Australia. Gauges read four two one seven decimal eight four two eight N two three red code one. Red code. Red code seven. Red code one four oh eight. Red code one four oh eight emergency systems react this is the new wave.

The Blog is Back Alright! (Backstreets Back)

Hey Guys,

I'm back...and I've shaved. So Chris Greer was telling me about how if you search for Lauren Birchfield in Google she comes up all over the place. Seriously, try it (click this link) Lauren Birchfield . And it got me to thinking, we all should be all over the place! So this is my attempt to make that happen, at least a little bit, and I'm going to be Thomas VanMelum because nobody has that name.

Here is my girlfriend Meagan Carlberg (aka Girlfren') and Oswald at the beach (we have an open relationship). If you ever want to talk to people about your dog, go here...you'll foam at the mouth just as much as your dog you'll get to talk about them so much. Oswald and I spend most of our nights chasing squirrels (has anyone else noticed this squirrel infestation?) that I have shot with my BB gun. Just kidding, or am I?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this thing fired back up and running and increasing the entertainment in the small community that is MY LIFE.

Oh yeah, I would also like to get Blake Griffin on this blog (click on his name to watch his highlights). And I want a pony.

Thomas vs. The Man

I am in a full fledged war with the man. I am seriously going to knock my own head off just so I can beat him to the punch. Wedge was fun. Your mom. Weekend was nice. Your mom. I love talking to people. Your mom. Inbetween the sheets. Any of this working for anyone?
I am so beat down from the inanimate objects that make up my "cubicle" I can't think of one funny thing to say. Man boobs. Those are funny. What if a woman had man boobs? Is that a put down? Can it be a put down? I'm making it one.

I'm also making this a put down "You're so fat you sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out."

That is a picture of Sean and I at wedge. We had a gay photoshoot, but we were paid a lot for it. Sean rips. Come to think of it, everyone rips in their own way, just some are more fun to talk to about it while others just get annoying.

I love life. I hate work.

VanMelum

Haven't Seen Her Around Burger World Lately?

Please help my cousin Hanna, she is suffering from an epidemic in America today, she eats too much (and it's all gone to her face). She has recently started her new college experience...you've heard of freshman 15...shaw...in her face!!! So if any of you boys or girls (she's desperate) out there are interested in her leave a comment with your email address and I'll make sure it gets to her. Please don't send chocolates in heart shaped boxes, lord knows she doesn't need any more of those.

That shirt she is wearing actually said "love food" but I photoshopped the "food" out of it in an attempt to make her more appealling. Onward and upward.

It's time for...

If I were Incharge of this Salmonella Egg Thing...

If I were to put out a press release it would go like this:

Sticks and stones can actually break peoples' bones, but bad eggs will just make your ass burn.

Noticing a trend here? Ok...I will do a better one to the tune of Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All":

♪I believe that children are our future. Teach them well. Don't let them eat the eggs!!!♪

Make sure your get the phrasing and singing right or that last line isn't going to be that funny. Came home a couple nights ago and caught this homeless bum trying to steal Oswald. -->. Then I took him to dinner at El Matador in Costa Mesa, go there. I wanted to invite my cousin Hanna (mentioned earlier) but she would have put them out of business.

Idea Section:
I'm going to open up a restaurant in the vein of TGIF's for nyctophobiacs called: Thank God It's Day. If you don't know what nyctophobia is just click on the word; I linked the definition to it.

That's it. Wedge all weekend bitches. Come join us.

Bloggesborg

Well, I must admit we are those trendy wanna-be's that tries to visit all the new HOT SPOTS, and we went to one last night: True Foods. Check it out, it's healthy, tastes good, and there are prostitutes there - weird mix I know, but it works. Not only was the service amazing (wink wink, service, get it?) but I just felt hip being there. Be honest, deep down inside we all just want to be hip. Do people still use the word hip? Maybe I felt jive, or righteous, or boss. Nevertheless, I felt good.

I've included a lot of pictures in the post because I figure they are more fun than reading my writing. Plus, a picture's worth a 1000 words, so I am essentially streamlining Team Blacksheep...downsizing...in this economy...hard times...you've heard all the buzz phrases. 

Speaking of the phrase "In this economy...", let's Jerry Seinfeld this one (What is UP with THAT?!? in the Seinfeld voice). That's called Seinfelding it for all you jive-talkers reading this. Where are the boundaries to this phrase? I'll let you guys answer that one, because that's like asking "Does the pope shit in the woods?" It's a no brainer. So, does he? If you can't answer correctly you're retarded. There, now I feel better because I put someone else down.

 You ever read those "15 Ways To Save Money This Summer" type of articles? What the fuck? Those things are so dumb, they are really dumb, for real. And because I'm dumb, I'm going to do my own.

3 Ways to Save Money This Summer
1. Steal from the rich: More than likely they don't even need what you're stealing anyway, and they probably won't notice it is gone. Plus, if you use some of the money for good they will eventually make a cartoon about you where a fox plays you and a huge bear plays your sidekick, then Russell Crow will make a shitty remake of your life. Then the person you stole from will see the movie, love it, and tell their friends to see it because rich people love that stuff. Win win win.
2. Prostitute Your Child
Kids, it's time to make your way in this world, get to work. Kids are great salesmen, probably the best salesmen, so put them to work. They can sell shitty lemonade for a $1.00 to people who don't even want it, amazing. If you don't have kids, see rule #1.
3. Don't Do Reasonable Things
Don't shower, shave, drive, eat, go out, have sex, poop, have sex, eat, poop again, or anything related to these things. If there is one sure fire way to save money, it's by not doing anything. Mooch. Every friend has one. Be that friend. You won't have any friends, but you and scrooge mcduck will have something to talk about. A pool full of gold coins.

This post was way too long.

VanMelum