My Golden Birthday

I am a golden god! Well at least I felt like one for a day, much in part to Girlfren'. She bought me this amazing crystal to keep my Soco in (along with some other libations), and a bottle of Don Julio 1942 Anejo. Blamo bitches!!! We should all take our clothes off! No? Anybody? No takers...seriously?

So many cool things happened over my birthday weekend it's not even worth mentioning (not sure that makes sense). But what does make sense right now, is my feeling of euphoria, due in part to the heroin I just shot. Ahhhhhhhhhhh accompanied by blissful shivering and one of my eyes pointing off into a random direction. So come on over and I will greet you with a tot of soco or a shooter, and we will be slapping our news and singing Janis Joplin in no time at all (her favorite drink was Southern Comfort)!

It's also been brought to my attention that the Oscar's were on last night. Turns out nobody cares. Actually that's not entirely true, apparently 33 million people care -- but it's on the decline, and this blog is on the RISE!!! Can't you tell scuzzbucket? I need the web developer at my job to create a  little meter that shows how far I've made it in my goal to be more internet popular than Lauren Birchfield. Trust me, I've already developed an algorithm for measuring coolness. I should start a band called Algorhythm! <----- SHIT!

There was a time I thought the internet was like god; it was everywhere and all-knowing. Now I realize it's just a dream crusher. You type an idea into the internet and 30 hillbillies have already come up with that idea. I guess this proves that I'm just slightly slower than a hillbilly. Take that world!

Thomas VanMelum

So Much for my diet on the Birthday Dinner...

Well if you know me, you know that I make up excuses all over the place to go to Benihanas. We have been celebrating pretty much every family birthday there for the past 11 or 12 years; this year was no different. Greg came up with the great idea of having me in the foreground for this photo and it turned out hysterical. I have a business proposition for Benihanas -- Benihana Express! It is when people have been to the Hana so many times, they don't give a shit about the throwing shrimp tails or making trains with onions, just give me the damn food and get me in and out of there before my clothes smell all night. Benihana Express, think about it -- it saves lives.

Check out this plant that Barbara Carlberg gave me. It's actually not a plant, it's actually called a Succulent scene, or maybe a kind of terrarium . Anyway, it's fucking awesome. It's like the 60's view of the future. One of my goals is to have a giant Zen garden one day, complete with combed white sand, random wood pieces, and a reclusive Kung Fu Master with bushy white eyebrows. But for now, I will have to settle with this.

We must all pour out a little champagne for our fallen vacation this coming weekend. Over a month ago we booked a reservation at an awesome hotel in Palm Springs for this weekend with Jesse and because of the rain we have decided to cancel. On the bright side, Burke Williams is really starting to look good, and so is just drinking ourselves into oblivion while we sit around and play 8-bit Nintendo and talk louder than usual.

Thomas VanMelum

Pixie's 1st Day @ The Beach!

Dunk contest sucked, I'm not going to talk about that. Weather sucked, not going to talk about it. I wet the bed, but I'm not going to talk about that either (it's embarrassing). But somehow, this weekend managed to be a pretty awesome weekend. Although it was Pixie's first time at the beach, Oswald dominated the show with Girlfren' and this amazing picture. There are lots more but I don't want to bore you with pictures of my dog. 

And the biggest accomplishment to the weekend...

I finished writing my song: "Everyone's Got a Gay Hand."


Think about it. Seriously.

Thomas VanMelum

Making Ends Meat or Meet?

You've all heard someone say "We're just trying to make ends meet." But where did it come from: A sausage maker during the depression, or is it more of an account saying? Detective Thomas VanMelum dug deep into this sausage fest and came out with nothing but answers: undeniably subjective answers.

First of all, the saying is "Make ends meet." But I assume all you guys and gals are smart and that is a moo point (PS check out this link if you have never seen that 'Friends' episode). Many people on the internet were arguing that a sausage maker, during the depression, was so poverty stricken, that he had to use vegetable proteins in half of his sausage product so he could make the two sausage ends meet. I can only thing of one reason why you would want two sausages to meet, and it has a lot to do with The Village People and the song "It's Raining Men."

Now, that being said, there is another camp that claims two ends meeting is an account saying. Where, when an accountant is trying to balance a ledger, it is important that the end of the "income section" meet with the end of the "expenses" section -- meaning a person or company isn't spending more than they are making. Both of these deal with hard times, hence the actually meaning of the phrase, but one thing tips the scales for me. A conversation had in a Jane Austen's Mansfield Park book, written in the 1800's (well before the depression) goes something like, "If I can make both ends meet, that's all I ask for." 


You be the judge! Seriously, don't let anyone tell you what you should think. Except Judge Judy, that bitch doesn't shut up.

Viper Uppercut!

 Viper Uppercut! Like in Streetfighter II.Ok I know it's not viper (I think it's tiger) but they sound so much alike. I finally broke down and got the Viper V7 fins. Now, I know most of you don't care but remember, Professor Coldheart is going to get you if you don't care. Look him up: Professor Coldheart. These vipers will help me dominate while in Hawaii, combined with the squats I have been doing of course.

Yesterday morning I started an intense squat routine and I'm finding it difficult to walk. I did so many squats and leg workouts that I think all I can do for the next few days is stretch in lieu of working out. Although I have to admit, squats are a major calorie burner -- which brings me to my next picture, the cookie cake.
If you have never had a cookie cake you must try one. They come in all sorts of different shapes, colors, and they will even put designs (in frosting) of whatever you want on the cake. Check out Mrs. Fields Cookie Cake. (There's a part of me that wishes Mrs. Fields was Ms. Fields and she just made hateful cookies towards her husband because they had a bad divorce). There is one at south coast plaza and they are cheap, so there are no excuses. Girlfren' surprised me with this cookie cake for Valentine's day, which I devoured instead of eating dinner -- hence the retarded amount of working out I have been doing lately.

 And speaking of retardation, has anyone seen I Am Sam? Best comedy ever!!! (It's a comedy right?)

Pixie Sticks and I had a photo shoot last night. Thomas VanMelum turned soft.

At this point in time I can either

be the guy on the right or the

 guy on the left...but never the

guy in the middle.

Beach Bum Benjamin Franklin

First I have to give a shoutout (always wondered if saying "shoutout" made you feel stupid, and I just confirmed it does) to Kyle and Katie -- Congratulations on your engagement announcement! They both were so lovey dovey it made me sick...or maybe it was the tequila shots? Either way, congrats.

So, it's Valentine's Day. That's it.

Simon Dodgen and I were dissecting My Era 2.0, the Justin Bieber album, and particularly liked the track 'Baby.' We were specifically excited about the fact that Ludacris announces himself before he raps, "LUDA!!!" Our excitement didn't stop there. We decided we wanted to become dancers for Ludacris and tour with him. We put in a call to his people and booked some gigs in Laguna, San Fransisco, and Palm Springs as his backup dancers. I guess they think Simon and I will appeal to his gay market. Things are looking up for us. If you ever hear someone randomly scream Luda, it's probably him or I. If you ever hear someone yell at you, "Get a room you two!" it's probably Christian. Just so you know.
Thomas VanMelum

Radio Hosts are Stupid

I was listening to Mark and Brian on my way to work and they started talking about Mike Duffy and Sherry Shupter, and Cory Kauldweather and I screamed "Who the hell are these people? I just want to know what Heidi Montag is up to!" Anybody else ever feel that way? Radio hosts are like wedding DJs times 5. Take what you will from that. I'm not saying this is positive or negative.

My twinner and I, Lisa Flores, did a little impromptu photo shoot at the house for her jewelry line, St. Eve, check 'em out if you get a chance. She showed me how to look thinner in photos and I think it worked. Her suggestion was to stand next to someone much bigger...so when I say I think it worked, I am referring to her looking much thinner while standing next to me. For me to look thinner I am going to have to go stand next to Andre the Giant -- and he's dead, so getting him to stand is going to be difficult. But I'll do it!

Have you heard of that song by Aerosmith "Livin' on the Edge?" I think the opening line should go "There's something wrong with the world these days, I don't know what it is...I think it's the gays." It rhymes, and it's slightly unexpected and funnier. I've already put in a call to Steven Tyler's mouth.

Have a Tony the Tiger weekend.

Hefty Lefty

Well, today I decided to be left handed...at least for awhile. My right hand has been hurting me so much (I think due to it being my mouse hand) that I have decided to use my left hand for the mouse from now on (or at least until my right hand stops hurting).

You'd think this would be an easy switch but it's not entirely easy. My whole desk is based on my being right handed, so I had to literally rearrange my entire desk so that my arm and hand could fit on the left side of the desk. You always hear or watch these stories about moms who have no arms and take care of their children with their feet, or blind and mentally challenged musicians like Billy Ray Cyrus (I'm assuming he's blind based solely on his fashion sense and that he's mentally challenged based on a few interviews I saw being able to get the job done. So I thought why couldn't I make the switch. I guess from now on I am going to approach things with a different attitude. Hey, if someone else can do it, I'm sure I can. Now, I'll probably fall flat on my face on a few things, but I might succeed in a few too.

Sometimes I think the only person stopping you from accomplishing something is yourself. I know everyone has felt this way one time or another. You keep focusing on how or why something can't be done. Maybe it's because people have told you it can't be done, or maybe it's because you've never seen it done before. But maybe part of being a happy person is proving people wrong, and breaking into new territory -- even if it's just new territory for you and not necessarily mankind. I think that over time you'll notice that a lot of things people say you can't do or that's not how it's done, really have no foundation in truth whatsoever. I guess we'll just have to see.

I never wanted to be...

 I never wanted to be one of those people who takes a ton of pictures of their pets, but seriously...COME ON! There are a million different spots to lay in the house and you guys are laying on each other? That is picture worthy. Not gay.

What if Crate and Barrel got together with Apple to sell cheap (excuse me I mean affordable) home furnishings that are high design to compete with IKEA...they could call it CRAPPLE. And their slogan would be, "Crapple. The name says it all."

*This just in, someone has already taken Crapple. Some whiny baby made a blog about how much it sucks to work for Apple. Stupid name. Stupid idea. Although I just read about 3 of the posts.

I've been sitting on my workball instead of a chair for about 2 months now. Enter the law of unintended consequences.

1) Inevitably everyone else wants to sit on my ball. When I tell them they can't, they make fun of me and how stupid I look sitting on a ball at work.
2) Random squeaks from my feet or legs rubbing against the ball that can only be interpreted as ninja farts to people within an ear shots distance.
3) Excessive bouncing up and down. I should try out for NASA because I could read anything while bouncing all over the place.

*Just checked, they are currently not holding tryouts. Next time.

Feelings Deleted

Feelings deleted...

Right when I had just

learned to loooooove.

Super Bowl. Rabbit Hole...

Rabbit hole, hairy mole, satan's toll, predictable, voter's poll, to be honest I don't know where this is going so I'll stop. So February is finally here! Well, actually it's been here for 7 days, but I've been sick so those days don't count; today is the first day of February for me because now I'm better! And because today is the first day of February for me, I am somewhat of a time traveler. And what a perfect period I chose to time travel during because the Super bowl just happened and I know the results. Now if I could just pick up some Californium (most people think it's plutonium that powers a time machine, but that's a silly misconception based off of a silly 80's film, When Harry Met Sally).

Those shoes over there are my brand new basketball shoes guaranteed to make me jump higher and move faster -- I can't wait. First pair of basketball shoes I have bought that cost more than $20. I can't believe I went this long before buying a decent pair of shoes, it's not like I play basketball often...right?....right????

This other picture is of the kids we babysit. Probably the most well behaved kids in the world. However, the particular pic is important because we are watching Nanny McPhee.

*WARNING: NEVER WATCH THIS MOVIE OR HAVE YOUR KIDS SUBJECTED TO IT'S SHEAR SHITTYNESS!

Seriously, I am into movies and admit that even the worst movies have some sort of entertainment value...this movie has none. None. Slightly less entertaining than this blog.

The Man With No Face

The man with no face is Jon Vandersloot! Girlfren' and I had dinner with Jonny V. and Chris @ Yardhouse a few nights ago. We discussed a lot of things: world hunger, how to tackle a bear, why the women in the booth sitting next to us had a UPS package with her (true story).But, most importantly we talked about taking over Lauren Birchfield's google popularity and general world domination. If you aren't familiar with the Lauren Birchfield domination, look her up in google: Lauren Birchfield.

She is a classmate of ours and is dominating in the realm of internet awesomeness. One of the main purposes of this blog is to exceed her internet success story and replace it with my own: THOMAS VANMELUM! It will be mine, oh yes. It will be mine.

What makes this competition even better is the fact that she is completely unaware of it. In the past, I have found it is much easier to beat the competition when the competition doesn't even know they are competing. Follow me?

This other picture is of Girlfren' at her Antropologie Fashion Show. Congrats to Girlfren'! I felt so hoytie toytie djing with all these fashion people around. Mike Radford made it out to the event along with his GF Brittany Hughes (I'm assuming Mike forced Brittany to go because of his love for women's clothing, specifically Anthropologie's clothing).

Mike and I also came up with a new song called "Helping Your Mom," look for it and the dance on iTunes next month.

HELP YOUR MOM (1st Verse)
When I'm up and feeling slow
My mom would scream my name and tell me to go.
The school bus is coming and I got to make it there.
But then I hear my mom fall down the stairs.
I rush her to the hospital and she finally awakes.
I tell her "I'm here mom. I'll do whatever it takes."

Everybodies humping their mom these days.
Everybodies humping their mom these days.
Hump your mom hump your mom hump your mooooooooom.
Hump your mom hump your mom hump your mooooooooom.

No Good Pics = No Good Post

So I took a picture of Christian while he was sleeping on the couch. What? You guys don't follow your friends around and take pictures of them while they sleep? Truth is, this is right before I started peeing on him, I just snapped the shot slightly too early.

I'm sure everyone has heard of mash-ups. There are song mash-ups, video mash-ups, audio and video mash-ups, Monster Mash-ups, smashed-ups (that's where you get smashed then snort a ton of cocaine...so I've heard anyway). Well I think I've come up with a pretty good mash-up. I'm assuming everyone has come up with a good mash up before -- and I would love to hear your ideas. Here is mine:

Pink Floyd and Harry Potter.


There I said it. Don't judge, just imagine.

All in all you're just another brick in the wall Harry Potter. 

Seriously think about it, you can start drawing a lot of parallels between Harry Potter and Pink Floyd.

The band is just fantastic that is really what I think. Oh by the way, which one's Hermione?

Is any of this funny? Because in my head it's hysterical...but then again, I'm actually singing along.